My head on my hand, thinking of what to put up here. I’m lethargic, and in a pressing need of vitality to recuperate my wandering mind. The sky is halfheartedly crimson, and tuneless songs break my empty travels. My fingers run amok, and are faster than my thoughts. I do not stop to think; whatever appears on my screen is indiscriminately unaltered. I’m tired, and the glaring screen is lulling me to sleep. But whenever I lie down and offer myself under the suspension of consciousness, my lethargy fades like short-lived fumes. And once again, I am in front my monitor screen, thinking of what to put up here, yawning and in a trivial battle against sleep.

I have nothing in mind but Bernz. Always her, and there never was a time that I could remember not thinking of her. I am constantly preoccupied of her. How she smiles that makes everything blur. How her eyes shapes when she talks that ceaselessly makes me wonder “how in the world did I ever got to her?” I am fortunate. So much so that fortune fails to encompass what I truly gained. She changed my life in the subtlest ways possible. The little things that she does, unfailingly make me fall for her more. I am deeply in love with her. How deep? I have not yet captured an accurate measurement, nor will I ever capture one. It’s 2 days before our 3rd monthsary, though I’d like to believe that we are on our 7th, and it always seems that it was just yesterday. It always seems untrue. When we’re together, reality seems to crumble into the world of vivid illusions. A delusion I am not willing to perturb. A dream I am not keen on waking up. Wonderfully enough, I don’t have to, for she’s real. Tangible. Beautiful. Real.

Although there were days that I treasure that I no longer clearly remember, I treasure the “now” moments. I dread of the day that she might one day realize how unfortunate she is to have me. I lack the standards, nor am I willing to attain these standards. I am my own man. And I fear it might not be enough. As for her, she’s more than enough for me. She doesn’t have to be anybody else. Just being her, and I still fall even more.

Right this very moment she’s sound asleep. Snoring, I assume. She’s tired, and it would mean everything to me to watch her in her unconscious wanders. Though that would be a long way to go, it remains a wishful thought. I dare not say that she completes me, for I never really remember being lacking myself, nor did I ever feel inadequate. I am always satisfied with what I am. I do not require myself a massive dosage of grandiosity. She’s not the puzzle that fits perfectly into my life; it’s not her burden to bear. Nor is she the angel that soars down from the heavens and blows me a kiss of pure serenity. She’s not any of those. She’s her, and that is all she has to be. She’s her own self, and I am not looking for anyone that would fit my standards. She broke everything on my list. She’s my exception.

She doesn’t have to complete me; we are two separate, complete lives, looking for a common fate of loving and being loved in return. If anything, she creates a void inside me; a void that impetuously appears, a void where only she can fill, a void where only she can create. I have never been this inadequate in my life; I lack moments with her. She’s all I need.

I have never been afraid of tomorrows. I have never been so fearful of uncertainties. I have always faced these things with head held up high and fists unclenched. Not these days. Not the days when I think of what may become of us. I shudder of the possibility of losing her. I tremble thinking that I might lose her. I cringe of the thought of her walking away from me. I battle these trepidations day in and day out. She’s all I want.

Now that a new horizon is on the verge of being conquered by us. I fear of what else lies ahead. But I am confident that whatever it is, we will be able to go through it like breeze through a curtain. We are on a journey. The goal is yet clear, and the roads ahead are certainly full of rough and tumble. We have a prospect future, but that remains a prospect. It’s not a laid path, we have to make it for ourselves. Nothing is ever certain. I love her more than anything, more than anyone, but I know nothing is certain. And with that in mind, I battle those that might ruin what we have. The awareness that I might lose her, gives me conviction of wanting to fight for her. And I will indefatigably fight for her. It’s a battle against fate, and one I am fervent in winning.

With head on hand, I realize my mind’s not empty nor will it ever be. As long as she occupies my thoughts, my world will be psychedelic. She’s everything in between black and white; a splash of vitality, a dab of enthusiasm, and a smudge of passion. She’s not my everything! Keep that in mind. But she’s that one thing, that makes everything else mean nothing. And I love her. ♥