Chagrined by the lack of conviction for living. Lately, i have been like a walking zombie in the land of the semi-alive people. The bubble in which i placed myself into, to bounce of any contagious nuisances, has become my own corral. I have involuntarily enclosed myself just by being haphazard in the methods of my living. I need to grasp that conviction which i have been clamouring for so long. I am no longer living, but merely in a state of constant surviving. Living is not a tantamount to surviving. The latter is bereft of an urgency of making my living experience worthwhile. The former on the other hand is what i am aiming for. It has been elusive thus far, and has eluded even my greatest whim. I want to live! Not the living sense of just plainly breathing, walking, thinking; I want to live like everyday is with a thought that tomorrow will never be. I want to live indifferently of other's dictates and comments. Live like everything is a first, and everything is an end. But my hands are tied behind my back, and my legs crossed uncomfortably. I am left with no alternative to life but to survive. And that in and of itself is not a bar below living. Everyday we are in a predicament of life-threats, we continually install ourselves in situations that has an innate ability to break the twig of our lives and effortlessly remove us in this living world. We put ourselves everyday in risks we are not aware of. But if you really widen the array of your perception, you will see just how many culprits with murderous intent there are. We should be happy we are surviving, it's the least we could do even though surviving is the most rudimentary form of experiencing life.


Living. Are there certain rules of thumb for living? How one must live their lives guidebook? I have been, these past few days, plagued by doldrum. There are times where i wish that everything sensible is just a figment of my imagination. Something that in a simple will of my consciousness becomes something i wish it to be. A while ago, while i was in a solitary walking, effortfully pulling my back to at least slow my pace down, i realized how life is so limited by whatever there is surrounding us. I walked towards the shadow of trees to at least assuage the burning heat of the sun, thinking that maybe even the trees that roofed me is also complaining of the sun. It has been very hot this past few days, hot is an understatement. Waters from dams have been draining in an unstoppable pace. It's very paradoxical to think that water is slowly in paucity, when the earth of composed of 70% water. Just goes to show how contingent we are to whatever it is that is surrounding us.


Amidst the solitary walking, and bathing the UV-filled atmosphere, i thought of something, the answer of which may be already obvious, but it is worth the inquiry nonetheless. Why are we, if we are all equal and stand on the same platform, not privileged with the same opportunities? Are opportunities slowly diminishing of its naturalness and is in continual flux towards the edge of inheritability? With my own two subjective eyes, i have seen that opportunities are now inherited, if not all, a great chunk of it. In an 8-sliced pie, 4 slices are already promised to one specific person, and the 4 remaining pieces are still debated as to who must have it. Sometimes it turns out to random persons. We work for our opportunities to be given to us. Like respect, it is not given but gained. We have to work hard for opportunities to be given to us. And once we have obtained an opportunity, the process of materialization is still a long way to go. From the continuous effort of grasping it, to the labyrinth journey we must undertake to reach what that opportunity has in store for us.


But you see, amidst that constant struggle to attain what we desire, we are no longer only surviving, we are also living. As we were given the most wondrous, yet the largest mistake, of putting us into this world, we must not only learn how to survive, but also learn how to live. We are in this incessant push-pull struggle of have's and have-not's. But it is only because of that struggle are we assured that we are living. We may not have everything we want, and not attaining every goals we set though is an archetypal human characteristic, we are still within the fine margins of a conviction laced life.


I am once again left to wonder of methods to put my feet on hot coal so i may not only walk lifelessly, but also feel everything i step unto. The best things in life are the things done in conviction. Opportunities may be abundant to the privileged, but happiness is not promised to anyone. Life is never assured of happiness though we are all assured of life. I am once again begotten with a promise to all the deities there are, that tomorrow will be less different than today! Less! After all, less is more..=]