Being in a fetal position tonight never seemed so appropriate. It is the one position that we humans do when we are in undeniable pain, anguish, and regrets. I feel like I’m being bludgeoned. Let me reiterate. I am bludgeoned. The fetal position makes man feel safe; it is as if, just by being in that position expunge every thought of end. Everything is a beginning. It may not be to you, but it would be for someone. We always feel safe when we are tightened up in a small ball of nothingness. We feel no one can get to us, no one can hurt us, and the world would just give up hurting us. Then again, we cannot trust how we feel nowadays. No matter how we want to believe our emotions, it always leads us astray.

Emotions! Would man be better off without it? Or contrarily be worse without it? Personally, I think we’re worse off without it. Emotions are great teachers. It teaches us the wondrous, subliminal lessons of life. It makes man mushy (for the lack of a better term). Emotions may make one blithe, it also is capable of making one despondent. Sometimes it is the source of our transgressions; it could also be the source of our gumption to rectify those transgressions. We do the most illogical mistakes for emotion’s sake. We are all slaves to it. But the irony of it all, we allow ourselves to be. Though we are aware the havocs it may cause in the long or short run, we still heed to its existence, breath whatever it is that wants us to breathe. We are slaves to emotions. That is irrefutable!

My mind is drifting tonight. To where? I do not have a speck of idea. But I know the reason why it has drifted. Sad as it may seem, I have again become lugubriously a victim of emotion. It’s not to say I didn’t will myself to become its slave, if anything, I was made to choose. And I choose the non-conventional path. It has been a pleasurable, very happy ride. I may have an idea that it wouldn’t last, I still know that amidst everything, it has been my choice. And I was not coerced, even by emotion to choose what I had chosen. It is safe to say that the path I took was by my own conviction, from my own decision, to my own temporary happiness. What has pulled me down the vortex of concurring swirls of regret and gloom is the fact that I have brought with me someone. It’s all to my avail, and the burden of whatever it is, is on me, none else.

Nothing lasts! To iterate the obvious is simply ludicrous. Nothing lasts. Not even the things that have started. No matter how much we hold on to something, when in the first place it is intangible, eventually you’ll lose your grip to it, and then you lose it. To where you might lose it, you will not have the slightest of idea. And it is in not knowing that you continue to hold on. It’s like a little kid who lost his kite and he doesn’t see where it is, the kid continues to hope that he’ll find that kite again, and that when he does continue to search for it, it will eventually show itself once again. It’s just like that. When you lose someone, and you do not know where he/she might be, you continue to hope that eventually you meet at the same junction you once departed. Nothing in this rueful life belongs to us. Eventually, and inevitably, everything is going to part ways to us. But, life as a walking paradox, once there are people who departs your life, there will be someone who arrives. Life is an airport, so they say. But you see, we always dwell on things that are painful to us. It is an archetypal human frailty to look at the perspective where we get to be hurt. We are a species of pain-loving individuals. We hate goodbyes, but it is one of the few words where we get to use unhesitantly. We are more reluctant to say hello’s than are we of saying goodbyes. As for me, I hate both. I hate goodbyes just because I do not do well after those are said and let go. I am an a-hole when it comes to goodbyes, bar none. I am not the type who easily lets go, nor am I the person who when lets go, easily forgets. I hate hellos to, surprisingly. Not because I get to meet some random stranger, nor someone who I wished to meet, but because for a fact that when I do say hello, I directly think that someone is going to say goodbye. I see hellos and goodbyes as concomitant. One exists because of the other. They are the salt and pepper of life.

The day today was long; too long actually. But no matter how long the day is, it will inevitably succumb to the lugubrious embrace of the night. And consequently, no matter how long the night may seem (and in night, it can be likened to our down times), eventually it too succumbs to the hopeful gelid smile of the morning. Nothing is permanent! Even permanence is temporary. Even nothing. For eventually, something, and I do not know if I’d be alive to see it, will become permanent. Tonight, against the dolorous hums of silence, an echo of unacceptable, though expected fact of life thunders aloud. You can never force anyone to stay into your life. It just doesn’t work that way. It’s sad, but it’s a fait accompli of life. I’ll be losing a digital smile tonight and for many days ahead. And I think for all the days ahead. It gloats! It hurts, and even admitting that it hurts is in itself painful. But it must be. You who have begun to etch a mark on my life, and it too have surprised me. That no matter how fleeting you stayed, you have left a significant amount of memories that even an indifferent boy would squeal.

Tonight, I’ll let the night blanket me as it has always blanketed the day. I may sleep chaotically tonight, with murmuring thoughts, and deleting of what-ifs, I know that life goes on. Would it be better? I do not have any idea, but I do hope it is. Is it for the best? Nothing is ever for the best. Let me for the last time remind you that you have been the source of my digital and genuine smile alike. From your departing, my digital smile will have lost its gumption and the genuine smile, may be gone, but as time passes by indifferently, not even stopping a measly bit to those who are hurting, it will return. You will be what the moon is to the shore. I’ll continue to hope for you, away from your ever knowing it. You do not need to know, as I do not need to know. I’ll be your secret lover! Do not worry, for I keep my own secrets! =]